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Numero Deux for Jacques Pepin

Rosecrans Baldwin, one of the co-founders of The Morning News, moved to Paris a couple of months ago, and has a hilarious but horror-filled essay about new life, new city, new language:

It’s especially worse when I can’t see the person I’m talking to—if they’re wearing sunglasses, or it’s over the phone. I avoid the phone at all costs. Setting up voicemail for the first time on my cell phone, I had little idea what the French computer voice was saying. Press numero un for boeuf Bourgogne. Numero deux for Jacques Pepin. At least that’s what it sounded like. I managed to leave a message on my phone, but then, feeling cocky, I pushed a button to a question I didn’t understand, just to see what happened. It took several more calls before I realized I’d turned on voice-activation for my phone’s commands. I had locked myself out. To get my phone to do what I wanted, I now had to give it instructions in proper French.

And then there’s the story he thinks he hears about a cheese being thrown out a window, which is actually a story about a cow breaking someone’s leg. Read it and feel some sympathy for people who have learned English recently.