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Language X is Essentially

John Cowan has collected 901 essentialist explanations of languages here. Some examples:

English is essentially the inevitable result of repressing the gender of nouns.

Australian English is essentially an Irishman bitten by a Tasmanian Devil while chasing a kangaroo.

Yiddish is essentially the Ebonics of German.

You get the idea — very funny language geek humor.